Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I hate myself

How I hated myself so much.
So much that I couldn't even breath, how Im so irritated of the person I am.

Bella Swan

Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.Bella Swan, Twilight, Preface, p.1

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.Bella Swan, Twilight, Preface, p.1

My primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of my funds, was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Nothing slows down traffic like a cop.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.5

I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.6

The thing, I thought to myself… it had possibilities — as a nickname, at the very least.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.7

It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.9

Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.11

Forks was literally my personal hell on Earth.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.25

I was sure, though, in the instant our eyes met, that he didn’t look harsh or unfriendly as he had the last time I’d seen him. He looked merely curious again, unsatisfied in some way.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.41

His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.45

I vividly remembered the flat black color of his eyes the last time he’d glared at me — the color was striking against the background of his pale skin and his auburn hair. Today, his eyes were a completely different color: a strange ocher, darker than butterscotch, but with the same golden tone.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.46

Hasn’t anyone ever told you? Life isn’t fair.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.49

I was in disbelief that I’d just explained my dreary life to this bizarre, beautiful boy who may or may not despise me.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.50

Edward Cullen was leaning against the front door of the Volvo, three cars down from me, and staring intently in my direction.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.52

I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw him laughing.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.52

In a lot of ways, living with Charlie was like having my own place, and I found myself reveling in the aloneness instead of being lonely.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.54

If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.54

Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.54

Whatever the reason, Mike’s puppy dog behavior and Eric’s apparent rivalry with him were disconcerting. I wasn’t sure if I didn’t prefer being ignored.Bella Swan, Twilight,Chapter 3, p.55

My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.54

Edward Cullen was standing four cars down from me, staring at me in horror. His face stood out from a sea of faces, all frozen in the same mask of shock.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.56

Just before I heard the shattering crunch of the van folding around the truck bed, something hit me, hard, but not from the direction I was expecting.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.56

A low oath made me aware that someone was with me, and the voice was impossible not to recognize. Two long, white hands shot out protectively in front of me, and the van shuddered to a stop a foot from my face, the large hands fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van’s body.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.56

How did you get over here so fast?
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.57

He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.58

When they’d lifted me away from the car, I had seen the deep dent in the tan car’s bumper — a very distinct dent that fit the contours of Edward’s shoulders… as if he had braced himself against the car with enough force to damage the metal frame…Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.59
I tried to think of a logical solution that could explain what I had just seen — a solution that excluded the assumption that I was insane.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.59

How come you aren’t strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.61

I don’t like to lie – so there’d better be a good reason why I’m doing it.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.65

I was positive that Edward’s defensive behavior in the hall was a confirmation of the bizarre things I still could hardly believe I’d witnessed.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.66

I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.67

That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.67

I wondered to myself why no one else had seen him standing so far away, before he was suddenly, impossibly saving my life. With chagrin, I realized the probable cause — no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.69

He wished he hadn’t pulled me from the path of Tyler’s van — there was no other conclusion I could come to.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.70

watched as his golden eyes grew perceptibly darker day by day. But in class I gave no more notice that he existed than he showed toward me. I was miserable.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.70

As always, I was electrically aware of Edward sitting close enough to touch, as distant as if he were merely an invention of my imagination.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.72
I didn’t want to get into the safety hazards that dancing presented, so I quickly made new plans.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.73

I sighed and opened my eyes. And Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct now in his black eyes.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.73


In his rearview mirror, Edward’s eyes were on me. He was unquestionably shaking with laughter, as if he’d heard every word Tyler had said. My foot itched toward the gas pedal… one little bump wouldn’t hurt any of them, just that glossy silver paint job. I revved the engine.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.78

He must see how absorbed I was by him; he must not want to lead me on… so we couldn’t even be friends… because he wasn’t interested in me at all.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.79

I wasn’t interesting. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.79

I tried to be crafty as I hid my horror.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.80
I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don’t exist, not irritating me to death.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.82

It felt like the heat of my anger should physically burn him, but he only seemed more amused.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.82

So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler’s van didn’t do the job?Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.82

My palms tingled — I wanted so badly to hit something. I was surprised at myself. I was usually a nonviolent person.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.82

Do you have a multiple personality disorder?Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.82

Are you trying to be funny?
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.83

Stupid, shiny Volvo owner.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 4, p.83

It was difficult to believe that I hadn’t just imagined what Edward had said, and the way his eyes had looked. Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I’d confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 5, p.86

It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 5, p.87

I’m trying to figure out what you are.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 5, p.89

I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker. There was no way I was going to own up to that.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 5, p.89

I can’t imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they’re thinking, even if all the while they’re making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 5, p.90

I just wondered… if you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good. Just so I’m prepared.Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 5, p.91

Edward Cullen

I’m just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 5, p.88

It makes me… anxious… to be away from you.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 9, p.188

People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 12, p.245

It’s too easy to be myself with you.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 13, p.262

To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me.Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 13, p.269

To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me.Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 13, p.269

You’re interesting when you sleep. You talk.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.293

I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.303

Just because I’m resisting the wine doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the bouquet.Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.306

You don’t realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I’m with you.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.310

I may not be a human, but I am a man.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.311

Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, p.312

You are so absurd.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, p.319

Shall I explain how you are tempting me?
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, p.319

What am I going to do with you? Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, p.319

And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?

Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, p.320
You inspired this one.Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, p.326


infuriate myself. The way I can’t seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk. Sometimes I truly hate myself.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 17, p.365

I love you. It’s a poor excuse for what I’m doing, but it’s still true.
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 17, p.366

You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn’t actively tracking, I was… totally useless. I couldn’t be around my family—I couldn’t be around anyone. I’m embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me. It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too.
Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.528

You’re wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it’s a joke.
Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.540

Well, I’m nearly a hundred and ten. It’s time I settled down.
Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.540

Because she’d rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married.
Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.541

So eager for eternal damnation.Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.546

You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn’t actively tracking, I was… totally useless. I couldn’t be around my family—I couldn’t be around anyone. I’m embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me. It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too.
Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.528

You’re wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it’s a joke.
Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.540

Well, I’m nearly a hundred and ten. It’s time I settled down.
Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.540

Because she’d rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married.
Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.541

So eager for eternal damnation.Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 24, p.546